Sometimes this feels so surreal. It’s as if I lost Grace a long time ago, yet she is still here, and I cling to any remaining connection between us—a kiss, holding her hand, or eye contact.
I will stay with her until she goes. They’ve set up a foldaway bed for me. For me, every moment counts now, and I want to see her pass peacefully.
Grace is in a lot of pain and hardly eats. She now has a silicon feed to easily top her up with morphine. The doctor checked for lung or diaphragm problems, but it’s horrible to watch her struggle to breathe. She barely eats; the nurse did her best to give her porridge, but she only took a few spoonful’s.
The wheelchair is no longer in use. She remains in bed. Everything I’m witnessing regarding Grace’s decline is as I’ve read. It’s the most horrible way to lose a life—losing control over one’s body in a slow, painful shutdown.
Now is not the time to make big decisions.
Reconciling with the Kids?
The kids are engaged, and they’re both asking me questions. I feel a reconciliation coming with Sarah. I’m also involving them in the funeral preparations. I imagine this is just as distracting for them as it is for me. I can’t work at the moment; I’m struggling to do anything normal and routine, even taking care of my teeth. I’ve decided to take the day off, but I sense there are many more days—maybe even weeks—like this ahead.
Getting Final Things Ready for the Funeral
I’m now coordinating with individuals regarding the funeral, including Marina and the kids. Ironically, focusing on these arrangements has helped me feel a lot better and more in control.
M was fantastic last night. She offered to meet up and is looking out for me, knowing how hard this is right now.
Arsehole at DWP
I’ve decided to stand up to a deputy director at DWP, stating his team is breaching the Civil Service Code of Conduct. I’m prepared to cause some trouble, and I won’t hesitate to do so. Perhaps he should have adopted a more respectful and professional tone from the start. I have no fear anymore. I don’t care if I lose my job, but I do need to consider Ian.
