Work can be so f@@king dull!
I am working within my comfort zone. I need to stop filling my day within things that do not ultimately make me more effective or efficient. I am also angry today and taking out on people. But why? Because I am doing something that no longer challenges me any more and I just read the same old nonsense from people. I am tired of it and no doubt they are tired of me. I know how to play the game and it is boring.
I am hurting over losing Grace!
This evening I hurt so much. I can feel that raw pain in my heart. On the outside I am full of anger. The tears just roll down my cheeks. I feel deeply alone, deeply disconnected with the outside world.
I can do nothing. Despite all the grief, despite all the therapy, despite all the acceptance, despite everything, I am in such pain. I can do nothing about Grace. I can’t stop what is happening.
I took on every f@@ker today who was rude and awkward. I just wanted to pick them off, one by one. As Grace would say, I always wanted to be there to help those who need help, support, guidance and deserve opportunity. Its anger, pure anger! I mirror their behaviour back. Does it make me feel better? I don’t know? Most of them are too stupid to even realise what is happening, but I just hope they feel as shit as they make those around them feel. Because they are so ignorant of their behaviours.
This evening I sit with Grace, I am surrounded by nurses and residents with severe dementia. There is such a warm and positive feeling amongst everyone. They are show compassion, warmth, and love. It is the polar opposite of how I feel during the day.
I am broken when I leave the care home. Completely broken. I’ve rested my head on Grace’s lap most of the evening and she has played with my hair. She loves doing do it. I can sense the feeling of connection between us, despite how difficult communication has become for her. I just hope to god I’ve made her happy for a short while. Then, when I walk with her the nurses comment about how much she radiates with happiness. Its’ just horrible what is happening and how helpless I feel.
I’ve heard she had tears yesterday and I did not visit. I felt guilt last night, I feel like I let her down.
I don’t want to leave her. Every time, and I mean every time, I feel like I am abandoning her. The emotions I feel are so…. The tears just flow.
The Currency of Love!
I’ve listened to musician Grace loved called Sade on the way back in the car. A second and stronger wave wave of emotional pain hits me. I’ve learnt the hardest way possible how unconditional my love is for Grace. How I have needed to prioritise her above everything else in my life. Even now how I feel about her transcends into other aspects of my life, particularly work. I am embracing it and letting it happen. My sadness and anger stem from my love for her much. Yeah, sadness and anger can even be seen as something positive.
I am here for Grace. I’ll be here as long as needs me. Then when the time comes I need to take a new path, one that gives to others the same happiness and love that Grace has and continues to give to those around her. Even now she is still giving to me, each and every day. Its f@@king amazing!
The irony is that whilst I worried about money all these years, she possessed and shared without conditions the most valuable currencies: Love, happiness and kindness. Even today those who have never known her prior to her dementia, see it and feel it. It’s truly wonderful how infectious it is and incredible how the disease never inhibits it.
I was told a good while ago by Lionella, not long after Grace’s diagnosis, that my soul was broken. She was right and I don’t dispute it was. I just hope that my soul has healed a bit.
