I’ve had a challenging day today, despite trying my best to be kind to myself. Overloading myself with commitments is making me realize that I may have to drop a commitment, fail an exam, or drive myself into the ground. Currently, I am squeezing in an hour to visit Grace between 5 PM and 6 PM, and it feels like a race against time. After that, I need to attend an online Dutch lesson for 90 minutes from 6:15 PM to 7:45 PM, giving me only 15 minutes to get from the care home back to the apartment. Then I must review and address feedback from another chapter, followed by waking up at around 5 AM to catch a 7 AM flight to Spain.
Unfortunately, my plans have been disrupted today. I accidentally took the wrong house keys and locked myself out when I left to see Grace. I called Andy, but he couldn’t find the spare keys and wasn’t sure if I gave them to him. Nonetheless, I went to the care home anyway, as it will be my last visit to Grace for six days due to my travel plans to Spain. As I entered the residential area, Grace’s mother was leaving. She smiled and acted happy in front of the nurse, but I was sceptical since she had continuously ignored me whenever the kids were around. I ignored her and walked straight into the living room. When I told the nurses that she hadn’t talked to me for six months, they said, “Have you tried?” I decided to let it go since they didn’t know the backstory.
Today, I am not in a good mental space. Grace’s tears are rolling down her cheek from time to time, and she is falling asleep while eating. She complains about having pain in her hip, and I feel dreadful. The doctors have given her painkillers 15 minutes earlier, and there isn’t much I can do. Additionally, R starts babbling loudly in his chair, and T, who always needs attention, comes into the living room making lots of noise. I feel like telling them all to…….., but its not their fault. Fortunately, a nurse guides T out of the living room. I just hold Grace and kiss her gently on the cheeks and lips.
I’ve come back home and ordered a gourmet chicken burger and chips through Uber Eats. I’ve been fasting for around two weeks and watching my weight for about two months. I’ve gone down from over 86kg three months ago to just under 82kg, with the aim of getting to 80kg in the next two months. I am being kind to myself with the burger.
