3rd February 2023
Today was another struggle. I love being in Spain, but I feel lonely. It also prompted me to think that I was gradually adopting old ways of thinking and getting comfortable. I stopped listening to my book, “May Cause Miracles,” and my Dutch was not progressing. However, my book was progressing, I was fasting and losing weight, and… but was I happy? No! I felt lonely, and for some reason, I felt like Lionella had it all and I didn’t. I had the urge to move forward again.
I was so conscious that I might be killing time. I could see others around me doing it, and I didn’t want to let them do it to me. I needed courage and needed to push through my fears: fears that I was ugly, fears that I couldn’t achieve things like with my book, and fears that I couldn’t find income through anything else than the work I did.
The Care Home called me, advising that they thought Grace had a UTI. She was being given medicine. Trust it to happen when I went away, and she gets sick. It may explain why she had not been particularly happy this week.
4th February 2023
I spent four hours revising for my SAFE Agile Product Manager Owner course and subsequently passed the exam! It was a small success, and now I need to focus on my Dutch exams at the beginning of March and continue progressing with my book.
I am glad that I came to Spain; it has forced me out of my comfort zone and reminded me of what I really want. For example, a Latino partner (laughing out loud).
My fasting is working, and I have now dropped just below 81kg. I think this is due to extending my fasting window to around 1630-1700 each day and not eating again after 1900. I have also started to drink black tea and coffee outside of this window, eliminating milk and the related small amount of calories. My target at the beginning of the year was to get below 80kg by March and then onwards to 78kg. What annoys me is that I still need to have a slightly spilling over stomach; I want it flat!
5th February 2023
I am loving being in Spain again. However, having time to myself is making me feel empty and disoriented. When I am not learning Dutch, writing my book, or studying for a professional qualification, what is left? I feel like I have gone back to square one, where I was two years ago.
I need to focus on getting my book done and published in the next 4-6 weeks.
I was also reading about assisted dying, something that came to the forefront of my mind about a year ago when Grace was a zombie. In the Netherlands, assisted dying is permitted, though the person seeking assisted dying must be of sound mind to make the decision.
