Today, I felt guilty because I picked a fight. It wasn’t funny and not something I’d put in my book normally. My manager did something that made her an easy target for my frustration. She does not know any better and is just trapped at the mercy of others. In some ways, her behaviour doesn’t excuse mine. However, the way she is shouldn’t be an excuse for my behaviour either.
I’ve been reading Jay Shetty’s book “8 Rules of Love,” and Chapter 1 is making me reflect a lot. It talks about loneliness versus solitude and the benefits of enjoying solitude. I’ve been on that journey, and only a few months ago, I was the loneliest person in the world. Now I appreciate time by myself so much. I understand why my friend L also enjoyed it and why she might find it hard to adjust to a relationship. The book challenges you to do lots of things on your own, and I’ve learned to do them myself, like shopping for clothes, having dinner alone, and going on holiday solo.
By spending time with myself, I’ve discovered things about myself again. The last time I was single and on my own was when I was 23. Back then, I felt a need to fill the void of my partner at the time. We complemented each other’s strengths and helped each other with our weaknesses. Now I see everything about myself, though of course, I’m not the same person I was at 23. I’m more open-minded and conscious of myself because of what’s happened, and I want to grow and improve as a person. I also recognize what a positive influence my partner Grace had on me. I want to take these influences forward and consciously do something about not forgetting her strengths.
I want to continue doing the positive things I learned from Grace, on her behalf. Like putting people at ease, subtly and warmly touching people, putting others’ needs before her own, being someone everyone could trust, having an infectious big smile, being fun, and living in the moment. I consciously ask myself these days, “What would Grace say?” “How would she react?” “What advice would she give me?” “Which one would she want me to choose?” It’s okay because it also gives me a warm glow in my heart.
