I spent nearly four hours this evening in the care home. When I arrived in the living room, I saw Grace sitting at the table in a wheelchair, eating with a pair of orange-framed sunglasses. I burst out laughing and described her as the female version of Stevie Wonder.
A nurse kindly helped feed her, so I could relax a bit. I was told that she was wearing the glasses because they think the brightness of the light is causing her eye pain and making her cry.
Later in the evening, I moved Grace in the wheelchair to be in front of the TV. I sat next to her on the sofa, reading a book while she watched some Jean Claude Van Damme film – God knows who decided this was appropriate to watch 😂. She sat looking at the television in a vacant way.
I am so scared that she was fading away. I decided later to see if she could walk and lifted her up from the wheelchair, but she couldn’t stand on her legs. I don’t know if she was injured or if the progression of dementia means she is just struggling to stand up. I am extremely worried that the disease is progressing further, meaning she is now wheelchair-bound and largely non-verbal.
For the last 30 minutes, I have been in tears. I am heartbroken to see her like this. I leave the care home quietly, just crying and crying. I compose myself as I enter the supermarket, but I start crying again as soon as I leave.
Grace is my Number 1 Priority!
My priority now is to spend more time with Grace. I had wanted to bring her back to the apartment for the day and make her lunch, but I can’t get her up two floors. The only other alternative is to take her out in the car for a few hours. As the nurses say, when she went to the hospital, she must have enjoyed the change in scenery. Driving through the suburbs of the city, out to the hospital, and then meeting different people (triage nurse, x-ray team, and doctors) during her time there. I should not underestimate her ability to take in what is going on around her in terms of sight, sound, and smell.
As a side note, a nurse was giving out cheese, but she skipped Grace because her dementia seems to have made her extremely intolerant to lactose in terms of her incontinence. Grace is normally not allowed dairy, but I thought, “Sod it. I want Grace to be happy,” so I gave her a few pieces.
Finally, I noticed that my sadness brings lots of anger. I can feel myself getting frustrated with other drivers on the road. I now clearly recognize that my anger is a result of feeling sad about Grace.”
