Frustrating day and feeling angry
Work is shit. I come back from a week off and little or no progress is made across several things. All the energy is being drawn out of me. I’ve been on a call with a customer who has just been plain rude to me and a colleague, I’ve called him out for it and to be fair he apologised. He is right in what he says regards progress and as I say I can’t defend the undefendable, but I know due to personal circumstances he also projecting on to me.
The afternoon gets worse. Whilst I am on this horrible call, I am messaged with the statement ‘Things in Murcia are becoming disastrous’. All I will say is that one of the bikes has been stolen and the combi microwave/oven has blown and needs replacing. I thought the original message was a joke. I am not in the mood to discuss it. I don’t need problems, I need solutions. I message Bryan and kindly says he help sort it out.
And that’s it, I try to increasingly focus less on the problems either projected on to me or served up to me. I remind myself that there are thousands and thousands of people having far bigger challenges and things going wrong with their day.
I am here for Grace. That’s 100% what it’s about
This evening, I am going to see Grace. However, due to earlier events in the day, I am not in a good place. I feel frustrated and irritated. Going and sitting with several people with dementia is probably not a great idea. Initially, it’s awful. Two residents are very restless in one living room. I wonder what I am doing there, and Grace can sense my agitation. But she is also smiling, and this is the tipping point for me.
I walk Grace to another living room and then out into the garden. It’s a delight to see her smiling and trying her best to walk with me. The greatest therapy I receive is in the care home. I am still very much in love with Grace. The nurses are patient with each resident, irrespective of their behavior, and the residents are great to be with. They give me another lens on life, and the frustrations and irritations dissipate.
I need to and take my headphones with me. I feel so guilty. She is listening to Michael Jackson and singing out loud. I want to cry. Corrie reminds me that I see Grace every day and I need to focus on myself as well. It is so nice of her to say so. As I say to Corrie, I also need Grace as well.
Back to the anger
For a long time, due to work, I learned not to let anger out (I know I wasn’t dealing with it). Then, when the signs of early-age dementia started to show, I got outwardly angry (and really angry). I was angry with how others would be treating their fellow human beings, just like today with the client. I was angry because of what was happening to Grace and me. As an example, Geraldine will remember who I was with the “three taxi drivers” (three very lazy contractors who have terrible behaviors towards others).
The body takes about 20 minutes to return to normal after a full fight/flight response. In other words, when you get angry, it takes 20 minutes to calm down and think clearly again. When you are angry, you will not completely comprehend any explanations or work through any solutions or problem-solving options until your body returns to normal again.
4-7-8 Method
So, increasingly, I ignore and walk away from things. I still step in sometimes, but choose my moments now. Also, I dumped the problem back with the owner, as I did with the client. As I come to learn, life is too short, and we all deserve to be treated with respect, though I recognize we all can have an “off” day.
One technique I learned from listening to a recent podcast to deal with increasing anger is to take a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, and then release the breath over a period of 8 seconds. This causes your mind and body to relax. The key ways deep breathing helps calm anger are explained on Breathwrk.
